The end.......which is the beginning.

I think this day was full of signs.  As I left the Mayo Building, the sun was shining, and the bells were chiming in all their riotous joy.  Next, we went to Kohl's to spend some Christmas gift cards (thanks mom and dad), and who should I run into but Lisa, "my" nurse, whom I haven't seen since I started this round of chemo.  I even got to meet her daughter! And, her daughter knows a new player on Mark's soccer team that had moved from the Rochester area.   Lisa and I shared a big hug in the middle of Kohl's.  Maybe a tear was shed.....I can neither confirm nor deny.  Truly, I am surrounded by support and love.

Looking forward to 2017!

19 Minutes and counting

I am counting down the last 19 minutes of this 20-week journey through 16 rounds of chemo.   It is simultaneously hard to believe it is over, and never ending.  I look forward to feeling normal, for food to taste the way it should, for this stinking cold to get better.

I have been getting the on-body Neulasta shot to boost my immune system these last three rounds.  Normally, I wouldn't need it today because I won't have any more chemo, but, because of my cold, I got it again.  We just found out how much it cost........insurance was charged $8,000!  Yes, thousand.   For one.  I thank God for insurance, every day.  Our charges as of the last treatment.... $117,000.  Yes, hundred thousand.   My doctor and I just agreed, something has got to change!

As I finish this........11 minutes to go!

Here is my peanut gallery, waiting breathlessly 😂😂.

A day of lasts

I am currently waiting for my last beeper call to chemo!  I am counting all my lasts.  Lasts completed so far.....

• Last blood draw for chemo 
• Last fill of the $220 pillso to combat nausea 
• Last pre-chemo weigh-in 

Cold has hung in for 8 weeks!  But, it gets better each week.  I am wearing my "Eye of the Tiger" hat for a little extra kick-a#@.

I will keep you updated as I Finish!  

The end is nigh!

I have been a bad blogger lately, and, I apologize.  The good news is, things remain surprisingly easy for me.  I chalk it up to a huge community of family and friends and all their prayers, support, and positive energy.  They have strengthened my constitution.  

Here is the routine, as it exists, during round 2.  This part consists of 2 chemo drugs, referred to as AC.  This is short for

• doxorubicin (also known as Adriamycin)
• cyclophosphamide.

It's the nasty stuff, Folks!

I go every 2 weeks to give my system time to recover.  Total time in chemo is only about 2 hours, start to finish.   The A of the AC, is so caustic,  it must be injected manually, in case my blood vessels collapse!  So far, so good, it doesn't even hurt!

Common side-effects are:

• Immunity system takes a big hit
• Hair loss
• Nausea 
• Vomiting
• Diahhreah 
• Mouth sores
• Strange tastes 
• Pain at injections
• Tiredness

Whew!   What a list!

My constitution must be tough.  My actual side efffects:

• Slight mouth sores
• Strange tastes
• Fatigue 
• Digestive issues
• I can't quite shake this cold I have

That’s it!  I still have some hair, I have never vomited, only slightly nauseated!  I have only missed one extra day of work! 

I consider my journey blessed.

Only 1 more treatment left!  

The end is SO NEAR!

Tough veins rock

Quick update......more to come.  I am currently starting my first treatment of a new round of chemo.  I am encouraged because nothing that could hurt has.  The nurse was happy.  I must have tough veins.

Here's me, looking at bit like a pirate!

Here comes the sun.

This is my view as I wait for my next appointment today.  The sun is rising and it is a beautiful fall day.  Days like these are why people live in Minnesota:  leaves are at their peak, temperatures are crisp, the sun is still warm.  There is so much for which to be thankful.

My first 12 weeks of chemo is entering it's last 3-week cycle.  It's hard to believe this round is nearly finished.  Today is my last "long" day, my last time I receive the trial drug, along with the two standard drugs.  After this I have 2 "short" days in which I only received 2 standard drugs and then it's on to the next cycle.

I am doing much better, attitude-wise than I was last week.  My cold has cleared up, and I am managing the side-effects better.  My newest is that my feet tingle nearly all the time.  It is annoying, but, not overwhelming.   My hands also are itchy and irritated, luckily, only intermittently.   I haven't decided if it is a simple side-effect, or response to some irritant.  I also get tired more at the end of the day.  Not much gets done when I come home from school.  Luckily, my family is stepping up, and I have a freezer full of dinners to make.  Bless my family and friends!

I am choosing, at this point, to not think about round 2.  That is the "nasty stuff," called AC.  I only have 4 treatments of that, beginning November 9, and I go every other week.  I am choosing to believe I will respond well to this as well.  Attitude is everything in this game.

My job, while sometimes exhausting,  is what keeps my spirits up.  Working with a school full of kids paradoxically energizing and exhausting, inspiring and frustrating, joyful and overwhelming.  In the end, though, these kids make my day.  I get oohs and as over my vanishing hair, I had a fifth grade students make a fabulous hat for me with her grandma, and, I get hugs and support all around.  I can't imagine a more life-affirming occupation.  Last weekend, I collaborated with the public library, the high school, and some amazing Star Wars fans to celebrate Star Wars Reads Month (yes, it's a thing).  It was a great success, and the picture below is why I love my job.  To see the fun these kids had, at library, is why I do what I do!

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!

Things can only get better

I missed my weekly post last week.  It wasn't a good week.  Not directly because of chemo, but, certainly, due to the side effects.  I have been charging along, trying to maintain a normal-adjacent lifestyle, but, last week I just couldn't.   So I didn't get  to the blog.   I can assure everyone that, in general, things are still moving along fairly smoothly.  You may stop now, as the whining will commence.

First, I  caught a cold.  It seemed mild at first, but, it kicked my butt.  Last week I  had a low-grade fever on chemo day and was coughing enough to need a mask (not for my protection, but for others).  Those who know my problem with tight spaces know this freaks me out.  Obviously ill, I was, however, well enough for chemo.  That was the nail in the cold coffin.  I degenerated from there.   Ultimately,  I  missed work on Friday, and couldn't get off the couch all weekend.  I will say, antibiotics are my friend.  I am not totally done with the cold, but feel 1000% better.  It was also emotionally exhausting.  I think I ran out of pluck.  I despaired the process for the first time.  I think I am on the downside (upside?) now.  Feeling both emotionally and physically better.

The next side effect that I am finding frustrating is my ongoing "digestive" issues (diarrhea - stop now if this grosses you out ).  I now have such empathy for people who suffer from ITS.  I can never be far from a bathroom.  It has disrupted classes.   It lengthened a car trip.  I can't eat so many things.  It is disgusting and exhausting.  Burning diarrhea is a thing!  I can't wait to get through this.

A freaky problem that has cropped up recently (read this last week) is the feeling of pins and needles in my hands.  I thought at first it was some sort of rash beginning, but there are no visible symptoms.  No redness, no sores, nothing.  It's like phantom pain.  Lotion doesn't help, nor does Tylenol.  Ice packs helped a bit.  It did subside, thankfully.  I will need to learn to ignore it.

My final gripe is the rotten way food FEELS when I eat.  It either is like eating cardboard, or, worse, coats my mouth in the way that too much grease does.  It simply feels unappealing on the lips and tongue.   It almost doesn't matter what I eat.  So food is just something I force myself to eat.  It is defeating.

To top this all, my daughter, who is a senior, just played her last soccer game.  Mark, who has coached Girl's Varsity Soccer since it started in Lake City (13+ years), also coached his last game.   It is becoming real that Lia will be gone next year at this time.  It truly has been a week of meloncholy.

Luckily, today, things are looking up!   My numbers are good again.  The cold is nearly gone.  The steriod has me buzzing, so, I am getting things done!  I will include a song that will be my theme song for this journey.  Howard Jones is long forgotten by most, but, I LOVED him back in the day.  Had all his albums, had his poster, practically cried when I saw him in concert!  What can I say, I love geeks (wink wink Mark).  Enjoy the lovely 80's vibe:

Lyrics are important:

We're not scared to lose it all security throw through the wall
Future dreams we have to realize
A thousand skeptic hands won't keep us from the things we plan
Unless we're clinging to the things we prize

And do you feel scared, I do
But I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away
Things can only get better
Wow wow wow oh, wow wow wow oh oh oh oh

Treating today as though it was the last, the final show
Get to sixty and feel no regret
It may take a little time a lonely path, an uphill climb
Success or failure will not alter it

Things I have learned........that have nearly nothing to do with cancer

First, for those wondering how today (OK, technically, yesterday) went, it was uneventful, which is good.  My potassium levels are back in the normal range.  I have a slight head cold, but, no fever and my white blood count was acceptable, so chemo was administered.  My close friend, Nicole, took me, so we shopped a bit while waiting and talked a lot while I was hooked up.  Thus, no earlier update.  7 treatments down, only 5 to go for this first round.  I start the new stuff November 9th.

Second, having cancer has taught me many things, mostly about having cancer....what red arm bands mean on Floor 10 of the Gonda Building, what order my drugs are administered because I'm part of  a drug trial, or even, I now hate the taste of chocolate, and like the taste of black licorice.  But, is is teaching me so much more than that.

People are so generous and thoughtful.   It astounds me that they take time out of their busy lives to encourage me: my family, my friends, and even students and their families.  I firmly believe that each prayer, act of encouragement, and all the positive energy is what is getting me through this.  It is teaching me to do the same.  To not be afraid of intruding.  To offer comfort when others are fighting their own battles. 

I have learned that nurses are the lifeblood of health care.  I have seen doctors to start my treatment, then, haven't laid eyes, ears, or emails on a single one until today.  The nurses have helped keep me grounded, comfortable, and added a laugh or two.  I was disappointed today that I didn't get to chat with Lisa, and, instead saw one of the doctors.  To all you nurses out there, thank you, for keeping my world sane.

I have great empathy, now, for the children I teach that have ADD/ADHD.  For those that know me, I am of an age that didn't diagnose ADD yet, however, I had all the classic symptoms growing up.  I have learned to manage it, and, only have vague memories of how it made my school life difficult.  However, I receive a steriod to help mitigate the effects of one of the drugs, and it notches my  inability to focus up tenfold for 24 hours.  It is frustrating to know I need to listen to the person speaking and being completely unable to do so.  And, I am an adult.  Imagine how many times this is magnified in a 6-year-old!  I am looking at these students with a new eye.

Finally, I have a new-found empathy for the comb-over.  Yep, you heard it, the comb-over.  I used to scoff and think that those men aren't fooling anyone, just let it go.  Here is what I am finding....I thought I was relatively chill about losing my hair.  Honestly, it will grow back.  However, I was profoundly shaken to see bald spots.....I immediately wanted to cover it.  If I had long enough hair, I believe I would have gone for my own comb-over.  For those who embrace their bald spots, much love to you.  Here is me and my bald spot, signing off

To my mom and dad, thank you for funding my need for hats!  I found the hat store for cancer patients in the Subway Level at Mayo (which, if you ever need, would be a great place to hole up in the event of a zombie apocolypse).  I got some cute ones, which I will post later.  Again, thank you for your thoughtfulness.

One dark, and stormy night..

Last night the storms boomed.  Our poor puppy (OK, old dog), shivered, and I prepared for an early day at the clinic.  The light is changing fast and we drove to Rochester in nearly pitch dark.   I drive through beautiful bluffs and rolling farmland.  I am truly lucky to live where I do.

As I was waiting to talk to the nurse (more on her later), I struck up a conversation with the woman next to me.  She overheard me talking to my substitute, who had some tech questions.  She guessed I was a teacher, and, it turns out her son is as well.  She and her husband travel, every two weeks, from North Dakota to participate in a drug trial.  It is helping him tremendously.   I am thankful for their hope, and again, for my easy ability to access quality care.

Each day, I report about 2 hours before chemo starts to draw blood.  They run my blood to make sure I am healthy enough to receive chemo.  So far, so good.  Between blood draw and chemo I talk to a nurse about my week and my lab results.  This is my shout out to all the nurses.  You make this impersonal process human.  It is hard to imagine how assembly-line-like this process can be, and how many people are on the same path.  Lisa, "my" nurse takes time to talk to me.  She comes and finds me, rather than using the ubiquitous beeper system.   We both have only one child, so we encounter the same challenges, and joys, that come with that.  We don't just talk about numbers and symptoms.   She keeps me grounded on a crappy day.

We interrupt the regularly scheduled program for a proud mama Moment!  I love her independent spirit, straightforward approach to life, and clear-eyed gaze.  She makes me proud every day!

I also want to thank all the volunteers who help make my time in chemo a little brighter.  I have been visited by women who have survived breast cancer.  It is a relief to talk chemo with someone that KNOWS what I am experiencing.   There are other volunteers dispensing snacks, last week I was given hand-made crystal earrings, this week a hand massage!  The volunteer today may have given me an extra long massage as she retired from interior design, which is what my amazing daughter is going to study.  I got the business from her.  She was an elegant lady who filled me in on the reality of working in the field.  It ain't HGTV. I believe people are showing up just when I need them.

All things considered, my numbers remain normal.  I have one exception....my potassium is low.  Luckily this is easily resolved with a supplement.   I thank God every day for making this journey go so smoothly.  In fact, my hair is like the loaves and fishes.....I keep losing it, and I still have enough.

Astounding generosity of friendship

This journey has opened my mind and heart to the astounding generosity of friendship.  I have mentioned all that have helped me get to my appointments in Rochester, to whom I am grateful.   As a teacher of 650+ students, fellow teachers, students and parents have been so supportive.  I'very received home-harvested honey,  notes of encouragement, gas cards, and hand-knitted hats.  It has all given me the energy to continue the fight. 

Thus past weekend, my dearest friend made the trip from Iowa to get me all set for the upcoming treatment.  Here we are in healthier times, after completing a color run

We spent the whole weekend shopping

Prepping.  This is one side of our game plan:

And freezing over 20 freezer meals:

She has helped our family be prepared for those upcoming times when I may not feel like cooking.  It is such a comfort to know that is ready!  If you have any interest, here is the Pinterest board with the recipes:  http://pin.it/vRyy64K

And to top it all off, she helped me wash windows and weed the garden before she went home!  

Her willingness to happily do so much, is a testament to her generous spirit.  And, is an inspiration to me.  Laura, I couldn't do this without you, even without the freezer meals.

As the song says:  "I get by with a little help from my friends..."

5 down 7/11 to go...hair still hanging in there

Today I completed my 5th round of chemo, and I am so lucky to have things go as smoothly as possible.   I have 7 more treatments of this first round of chemo, which is every week, and 4 rounds of another drug, which is administered every other week.  I am doing very well.

I am happy to say that they were able to decrease the dosage of the pre-meds given to help mitigate the effects of the chemo drugs.  These are Benedryl, Pepcid, and a steroid.   This is much easier on my system, and makes me much less tired immediately following.   The only ANNOYING impact of these pre-meds is that the steroid completely wires me, and I anticipate a late night.

I want to take a moment to sincerely thank my circle of family and friends for their generous support.  I have had so many faces with me as I received chemo, laughing, reminiscing, and catching up, that the time has flown by.  My wonderful husband, who has supported me in so many ways, has kept me strong.  Missy sat with me, and talked me into taking yoga with her. Nicole visited and brought laughter and light with her.  My brother, visited from Iowa, and laughed at American Pickers, and recounted harrowing tails of his past, making my "long day" seem like any other.  Finally, Jodie, came with me, even though she has the memory of her mother's lost battle to cancer haunting her.  We talked of our girls and their futures, and caught up from our busy lives.  

I also truly appreciate the text messages and Facebook messages from family and friends.  It gives me courage and strength to feel their support as I power through this. 

I have always been independent, to a fault.  I don't ask for help, even when I need it.  This battle has forced me to step outside my comfort zone and not only rely on others, but actually solicit their help.  And, I am not weaker for it, but stronger.  I want to remember this lesson.   Leaning on others does not tear me down, but builds me up.

I will close with a quote from a very wise man:

“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

My family and friends are my light.

Contradictions

This is the contradiction of chemo, I  am simultaneously tired and unable to sleep.  Whilst catching up on some reading (Circa Now by Amber McGee Turner), I discovered.  It has begun......

Any bets on how long it takes? Either to fall asleep, or to lose it all?

Oh, and, chemo......

I'm sure many of you wonder what chemo looks like.  First, there are as many different flavors of chemo as there are types of cancer.  My regiment is weekly and it is administered interveniously.  The rooms are equpped with a heated  massage chair.  There is also a TV and free Wi-Fi.   All the comfort of home, except with chemo.

Once I get comfy, they hook up an IV and simply switch out bags.  I don't feel anything at all while receiving it.  I sometimes get a weird taste in my mouth, like chemicals, but other than that, it's really quite boring.

My regiment has me receiving 3 chemo drugs every third week, with only 2 drugs on the other weeks.  It takes between 3 and 4 hours depending on if it's a three-drug or two-drug week.

I want to take this opportunity to thank all my friends and my church family for stepping up to help me get to my appointments.   Even my brother has helped, and he lives in Iowa!  It has really helped, as getting so much time off is not easy for Mark.  I also am blessed that my school district is working so generously  with me during this process.

I got good news as I prepped for chemo today.  I had an MRI on Friday, and, after only three treatments, and the tumor is already smaller! All the positive energy (and chemo) is really doing its job!  Thank you to all who have offered your support.

In the beginning........

This has not been the summer I envisioned 3 months ago!  As a teacher, I had so much I planned to do.  This was the summer before my first year as a tenured teacher and I had so many programs I was hoping to plan and implement for next year.  First things first, though, and as summer began, I made all those appointments I had put off:  dentist, dogs to the vet, and a mammogram.  Summer quickly derailed.

After my mammogram, I was called back for follow-up regarding something of concern.  At this point, I was still not worried.  I had more than one friend who had the same sort of call back and everything was normal.  In fact, I was a bit suspicious of the clinic and their desire to get all they could from insurance.  I even talked to my doctor to confirm it was needed.  He agreed.

I first got truly worried not at the mammogram, but when they rushed me into another room for an ultrasound.  As I lay on the table thinking back to my last ultrasound, when I was pregnant with my now seventeen-year-old, I began to cry.  I wasn't worried for me, but for what this would mean for her.  

Many biopsies, MRIs and doctor consultations later the verdict is:  Invasive ductal carcinoma.   Words no woman wants to hear.  I HAVE CANCER.  The tumor is about 2 cm, and is estrogen positive and HER2 positive.  Those factors combine to make this an aggressive form of cancer.  Here is what completely derailed my summer:

The solid white spot in the middle is a tag that was inserted during the first biopsy.  The white mass around it is the tumor.  The white veins are normal and, for the most part, not of concern.  The good news, tests all confirm the cancer doesn't appear to have spread to the lymph nodes or any other system.  I am pre-operative Stage 2.

Fast forward, school starts tomorrow.  None of those amazing plans were completed.  Instead I retooled for a different sort of year altogether.  I have started 20 weeks of chemotherapy.  I go every Wednesday and will continue to do so until November.  In November, I will switch to a different chemo drug and only go every other week.  I won't be finished until just after Christmas.  This requires a substitute teacher every week.  This is now how I spent my summer.....preparing.  I am even prepared to lose my hair.

Because there are so many people in my life that are interested in my progress, I decided to start a blog to keep everyone updated.  This way, I don't need to try to remember to whom I have told what.  I will try to post each week during my chemo treatment, or the day immediately following.